1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night
2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street
3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call
So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
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he drunkenly pissed himself on the deck, in the bathroom, and on my couch within the span of an hour
its like an avodart commercial...maybe he has a growing problem
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
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I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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