I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
The golf course isn't that incognito for sex.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
i had to call the bar to ask if they found my bowling ball. That good of a night
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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