I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
5 Four Lokos being cheaper than a case should be illegal.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
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