There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
okay serious question, the water is shut off in your house, do you attempt and use the clean toilet water for your new bong?
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
Who was that couple sleeping in your bed with us last night?
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
No more fucking baseball tools. Walk-of-shamed home in only a pinstriped jersey and a Red Sox SnapBack.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
We went to the casino to try to earn enough money to go to new Orleans comfortably. I'm already drunk. This is a horribly immoral start to summer.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Hungover playing piano at a baptism I am the PICTURE of class I feel like I should be struck by lightning
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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