I would drag my balls through a mile of broken glass to eat pudding out of her anus
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
What changed your mind?
Being sober
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
Opted for cash back rather than the 10% extra I'd get for store credit, solely for drinks tonight.
You're lovely.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
The last time the Patriots won the Super Bowl I lost my virginity. I can only imagine what'll happen if they win this year.
Randomize
