you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
There's a pair of socks on the bar. No-one's questioned this.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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