I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Maybe there is a secret pocket full of cocaine in that spiderman wallet.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
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