Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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