I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
handjob tips. give me some.
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Pro tip: if you can avoid puking on your carpet, do so. Cleaning it up is absolutely no fun at all.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
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