my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
2nd fun fact: he has a square tan line around his dick.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
40s are totally the cure
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
