I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.
it was funny though when you first woke up you pointed at my shoe and said i need my jacket and then put my shoe on your hand
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Dude I am allergic to the candy dicks from that sex shop in Vegas. Come take me to hospital right now.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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