Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?
I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
it was frightening. in my opinion the only thing that should resemble a vagina is a vagina.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
I remember trying to cut the power to a house I thought was "too bright to understand the meaning of christmas". Pretty sure I blacked out down the street.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
Randomize
