Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
oh, i solved that problem. i told him i wanted to steal my roommate's nephew. radio silence. haven't heard from him since.
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
He said his parents were apparently coming over to surprise him with breakfast and I’ve never gotten dressed and run out of the door that quickly. I have commitment issues.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
