theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
The kid taped his penis down so that he wouldn't get a boner while dancing with girls. Oh these middle school man whores never cease to amaze me.
he kept yelling THIS ISNT AMATEUR HOUR
It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Na Im fine, just need to un-grow this vagina I've developed
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
She swallowed the key to the cuffs, I've been having to explain the pink fuzz all morning.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
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