you dont publicly announce someones alcholism over facebook. you dont out someone like that.
dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I've thrown up so many times in the third floor bathroom of Baldwin that they should probably just go ahead and name it after me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
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I found a guy who will take me to the Olive Garden and he is CONVENTIONALLY ATTRACTIVE.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
He had the same tone in his voice and look in his eyes that he gets when he says UFOs aren't real.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
If you need me I'll be in the hospital involving super glue and fake eyelashes.
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
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