apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Remember when we partied so hard that dude died and it cockblocked you hooking up with my sister?
I forgot that happened. That's the second dude that died on a vacation I've been on
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Why did I ever allow that penis to enter my sacred temple?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
So I love answering sex questions in intimate relationships class on a clicker when im sitting next to my cousin..
FYI bail money is still in my drawer. I know you have no car but you need to know this for tomorrow.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
Randomize
