plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
Do you think it's wrong for me to hop on that dick before he realizes that he's gay?
Somewhere out there, on several phones belonging to strangers, exists a video of me rapping Baby Got Back on stage in four inch heels that I stole from the drag queen. Also I made out with the chick with the octopus tattoo.
You have the best birthdays
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
