He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
I intend to get homeless drunk
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
How bad would it be to ask my maintenance man for new blinds because the dude puked on those too?
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
You were sitting in a chair and you said "I just feel like a little fishy, floooooating through the ocean, so pretty"
I just started the bonfire using a tampon. Who knew they could have multiple uses?
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
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