he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
We have sex, then he cooks. It's like a fantasy.
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.
Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Trust me, dating 38 and 20 year old dudes at the same time is the best. Money plus all of the sex. Finally figured out this relationship thing.
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
IT'S A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT, DUDE. LOGIC IS OUT OF THE QUESTION BECAUSE AWESOME.
I sent her a dick pic and used brett Favre's dick pick. She asked me why I had pictures of old men's dicks saved on my phone... I just can't win bro
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
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