Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I owe you cheese. The drunk munchies don't acknowledge food ownership.
You know you're a fat kid when you've spent half the day having a twitter conversation with Pizza Hut.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I'm talking to this guy I met online about French toast. I am the oddest fucking combination of hungry and horny. Wtf brain.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
