the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Don't judge me. Haven't eaten all day so I'm in my room sticking my finger in peanut butter, then jam, then my mouth.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
So I got hit in the face with a frying pan. So def wont be at work for first break if I'm there at all
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
You don't know being judged until its 7:30 in the morning and you're on 2 hours of sleep halfway between drunk and hungover wearing pajama pants at an international airport while saying how proud you are that you found the airport's bar immediately and how disappointed you are that it's closed
Swimming turned traumatic when grampas shorts slipped off..
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
i can eat my weight in tater tots. don't test me, bitch
Did you ask Harvard boi?
Apparently he likes someone who is into being smart and a supporter of human rights ugh what a skank
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