i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
I threw a hotdog at the security guard and called the bartender "goodlooking for a 35 year old who was rode hard and put away wet"... I would have kicked me out too
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
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