The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
dude you had a hot girl interested and took shots together, as soon as it went down the hatch you upchucked on her entire existance..
successful birthday. 2012 rules
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
is it weird to think that girls born in '96 are now legal?
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
Its like my group of friends and I are all dating and we're all just a bunch of Swingers, is that normal?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Randomize
