Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
He needs to respect me before he can fuck me with cat ears on.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
I swear to God...this day is one great big who's who in the land of fucked uppedness.
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
