I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
and i fell asleep on top of a grilled cheese sandwich. not the best decision. but not the worst.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I took his sheets with my when I left seeing that I underestimated my period. Also grabbed a 6-pack out of the fridge because breakfast is the most important meal of the day & I don't do other peoples laundry for free.
ugh... I can't wait for campus to get back. Then everyone will have other things to try to have sex with besides me.
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
She's like the sister I never had that I want to bang.
Listen, all I’m saying is, if you’re lying naked next to a hot chick, you don’t start discussing dental hygiene.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
