so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
Soooo you're telling me you support us groom's men giving lap dances to willing patrons?
Randomize
