I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm sending you a dick pic. Ill tell the other ppl in this pancheros its cool
Don't send a pic of dick unless it's inside the burrito
he fucked me while wearing his "Reagan Bush '84" tank and my inner democrat has never been more disappointed
Just remembered someone sprayed perfume in my mouth last night after convincing me it was vodka and that i tried to herd ducks around campus and bring one home.
It's official we're now working from home permanently. I'm getting paid to have sex and sandwiches. I hit the lottery.
Randomize
