Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
This girl looks like an elf and is obviously on coke. I want to be her.
That edible kicked in right as I was upside-down on that rollercoaster. Fucking.mind.blown.
I would have rather been getting my vagina slowly waxed all day then be here.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
I am playing in the snow in my bunny outfit. GET OVER HERE
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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