I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
My first hangover at work. I'm officially an adult.
Randomize
