i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
onest when I told you I'm a paramedic but I'm also a stripper.
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
He kept saying "i'm lost" while he was sitting on his couch...
Randomize
