If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
A kind stripper put a blanket over me last night
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Ok I've processed it. Who the fuck makes out drunk in a parking lot in a backseat with the windows down in the middle of the day?!?!
I just told the joker that my vagina is the bat cave and he needs to infiltrate it.
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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