I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
I was too high to figure out which of the three doors would lead me to my classroom, so i sat down in the middle of the hallway and ate a twinkie.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.
you broke a plate. told her her wedding china was ugly and you were doing her a favor. then proceeded to break every plate you could get your hands on.
You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
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