these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
Passed out for 3 hrs til now to wake up naked on my bed covered with grass from drunk slip and slide I would call that success
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
The bathroom is trashed. Someone took down all the rings of the shower curtain and Scott threw up on the curtain liner. All the soap and shampoo is in the guest bedroom and the lightbulbs are in a drawer. And there are vom footprints.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
There are lots of gay asians. This is better than i was expecting
I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
I wanted lighthearted conversation about ordering bulk condoms and anal lube but he's depressed and talking about god hating him, ugh
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Randomize
