so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
Yeah the last text says "How many your ass,,,,, prepare it" so take that for what it is
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Randomize
