it's too hot outside to masturbate.
sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
