So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
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the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
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I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Eventually the conversation shifted (as it always does) to Sex toys.
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