I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
Super awkward when the coworker you made out with in exchange for molly last weekend keeps coming over to your cube and trying to talk to you
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
There's only two more days left to say you saw me naked this year.....I'll bring the booze, you got all of next year to rationalize why.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
The lady that was sitting beside me thought the best way to cheer herself up was to pet and ruffle my hair while crying and telling me her problems...
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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