So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
It was his first time doing shrooms and we made him ride in the truck bed. But he kept standing up and yelling when we stopped so we had to keep driving
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
seriously though if NH has the largest penis size... the rest of America must be very disappointed.
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
7% of guys ive been with can get me off... I did the math!
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
You know youre getting old when you I.D. the person trying to take you home to be sure they're over 25. Help me.
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
Randomize
