Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I wrote a list of all my homework due in the next few weeks. I feel I've done enough for tonight.
I don't really want to write this paper. It's the last one of the semester - I need to savor the feeling of procrastination.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
I feel like I don't show you my boobs enough. And you deserve to see them like all the time
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
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