I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?
Why am I the only one concerned that there's a dog in the movie theatre?
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
He pissed on a police station. Then expected to not be arrested. Sounds accurate.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
Only good thing about the 50 Shades is that it is now completely OK to call a credit card co to dispute the charge for nipple clamps that didnt arrive.
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