Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
He really likes Obama...and Bill Clinton too. He said "I mean, how many presidents can say that they got head in the oval office?"
Soulmates.
I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.
We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
so i might have slept on your bathroom floor last night...
Randomize
