so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
He was actually able to throw up in the bucket from the top bunk. im impressed.
My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
I drink way too much to have a type. Last weekend I picked up a guy who calls me "baby girl"
I am making a budget for 2012. Should condoms be in the insurance or entertainment category?
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
Sorry, I was trapped in a small closet behind a washer. What's up?
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
Randomize
