Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
He just ate a tooth whitening strip...
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
The guy in the cage next to me is having phone sex. His girlfriend is in College Library. Why is my life ridiculous.
Randomize
