i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
that wasn't rum that I poured down your throat while you were sleeping
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend
I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I told him I was gunna have sex with him in both of our cars at the same time.
I'm driving home wearing one sock, boxers, and a tee shirt. That's how good it was
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
don't bring your nerd jargon into this conversation about my naked body
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
Randomize
