You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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