you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
then again I'm sitting on a tree stump completely naked in the dark listening to some type of glee soundtrack.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
We're doing a case race on Saturday.
I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"
At least you get to smell pizza at your job. I just smell despair all day long.
Yeah. I mean it wasn't that awkward. I just made conversation like there was absolutely no lack of pants.
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Randomize
