He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
Road construction signs are deceptively heavy
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
Whether ya want it or not, it's gonna happen. Assimilate to the gay
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Got a high five from a Superman stripper tonight
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
Hey mike is locked out, sleeping on the common room couch, no idea where his pants are nor does he know where he is. When you get this let him in? And let me know ur alive too!
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
Randomize
