i think i have two assholes
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.
Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Hi I haven't talked to you since you bought legal marijuana-are you still stoned?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
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