My girlfriend figured out who you are.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
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