i just woke up in the woods behind my house in handcuffs and a dan marino jersey ive never seen before
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.
Restraining orders are what college is about.
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
My fingers feel amazing. Their going like 100 MPH!!
HOLY SHIT. SHIT THAT IS HOLY. HOLY OF THE SHIT.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
