So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
The only thing i ask you for is vegan food and sex.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
