I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
it was like his penis was on wheels.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
Randomize
