i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
I need a pedicure
You need to go to planned parenthood
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
It’s a hundred kinds of wrong to do Jell-O shots at home alone. Right?
I support drinking alone. But Jell-O shots. That’s a game changer.
Tell me you're alive little brother. And please tell me you didn't get arrested. You made no fucking sense last night in your random texts and pictures you were sending me.
Randomize
