He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
Just peed in the fountain while its snowing. Fell flat on my ass, literally my butt naked ass in a pile of snow. It's safe to say I'm done with drinking on weekdays
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just want to sit my fat ass down at McDonald's and never leave
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I did not marry a roomba.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
