drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.
Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Man, I'm real high and googling what all my favorite figure skaters from childhood are doing now.
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
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