I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
So I'm banging this nun...
Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
Just drink your champagne out of a trophy like a fuckin winner
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
