I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries
Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
We did blind alcohol taste testing and she got 10 of 10. I'm in love.
Randomize
